I’ve been wondering.
Why do I always choose the difficult path?
I catch myself doing it, still.
A good friend, a clinical psychologist (a woman), once wondered out loud to me why I always seemed to choose the most difficult women to date. This was before I was married, before I even became a clinical psychologist myself.
Her question stuck with me.
I fixed that pattern, thankfully. About a decade ago, I met the most wonderful woman and had the good sense to recognise her for what she was. We’ve been very happily married for almost ten years now.
But the pattern itself didn't just disappear. It simply re-shifted its focus.
To my work.
In my work, I see now, I have always chosen the difficult path.
So much so, that as soon as I became proficient at something—as soon as it was no longer a struggle—I would stop. I would change everything and start again.
When I first went to university, I discovered that all I had to do was read the books and pass the exams to get my business accounting and economics degree. I found this so unsatisfying that I dropped out and went to do psychology instead.
A completely new world.
I spent years on that path. My degree, my PhD, my professional research career. Then, when I found parts of it no longer challenging, I stopped.
I retrained as a clinical psychologist, dropping right back down to the bottom rung of the ladder.
When I had a good job as a child psychologist in London, with a clear career path ahead, I dropped it all. I moved to New Zealand.
I started again, from scratch.
When that wasn't working out, I changed again. I became a public policy official in government. I got good at it. I moved back to the UK, on a fast track to becoming a director in the senior civil service.
And yet, I dropped it all. Again. I came back to New Zealand and started another academic career, this time in disaster mental health.
I see the pattern clearly now.
And I’ve caught myself, recently, trying to do it again. Things are going well. My plate is full, but manageable. And my instinct, buried deep, is to find a way to make it more complex. More difficult.
I am actively resisting this now.
What is wrong with becoming good at what I do?
What is wrong with becoming more efficient, ending up with more free time, and simply enjoying it?
Why the urge to fill every available space with more work?
This pressure, so societal and so deeply internalised, is difficult to resist.
As I get older, I get better at pushing back.
But it remains a constant battle.
I'm really curious.
Is this you, too?
The older I get the more I am able to let things be. My past problem has been attracted to difficult relationships.... not now (she says hopefully)....
Yes, it's me too.