The road you didn't take

Looking after yourself and others is critically important, now perhaps more than ever. And part of my process is letting my mind wander to lives that I might have led, and what might yet come...

It’s the time of year when I get invited to help others understand how important it is to care of themselves and each others, and to share strategies and tactics for doing this now and into the new year.

Part of my own process this year is to spend more time in my body, but also to be less slavishly consuming of things: films, books, TV, podcasts. I’m finding that running again, with my ears free and open, helps me not only to tune into nature around me, but also lets my mind wander. I’m not following the trail of a conversation through my earbuds, or running to the beat of a much loved or new tune.

My mind is free to wander

Sometimes, I’m counting my breaths. Sometimes, I’m aware of my body, trying to stand tall as I run, feeling my feet hit the ground underneath my hips, pulling the ground under and away from me, rather than throwing my legs out in front of me.

And I have my own mind meandering through time and space, even as I attend to my body and surroundings. Sensation and thoughts running free. It’s mostly entertaining, and it’s interesting to observe and pick up a thread every now and again.

Since I started my process of getting back to running again - almost 4 months ago now - I’ve noticed that my mind returns to the idea of what I’m doing with my time. Aside from parenting, that is.

When I think about the work side of this, I’ve been reminded of other jobs I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid.

First, I wanted to be a train driver. Pretty standard. Then, it was a pilot. I think this was after I went to India on a plane for the first time at age 4. I remember that people still smoked on planes then and I couldn’t stand it. I think I spent a lot of time in the toilet to try to get away from it.

As I watched the recording of the Artemis SLS launch of the Orion ship this morning with my daughters, I remembered the ‘wanting to be an astronaut’. phase. Again, a standard experience for many I think.

I wonder what that is about?

There’s something amazing about being not of this world. Watching the Apollo missions still gives me goose bumps. I was a few months old when the first moon landing took place. I imagined the specialness of the experience. The uniqueness that it confers and confirms to you.

Then, as I began secondary school, being a marine biologist entered my consciousness. And as I’ve become a parent and talked with others parents, I wonder if this is also a pretty standard thing as children become more aware of the world around them, and start to think about exploring their world more, and their place in it.

Other people’s plans

My parents had other ideas about my future, roughly revolving around medicine and related professions.

I wasn’t keen.

At all.

I went to see the careers advisor at school.

Since thinking about marine biology, I had become quite short-sighted, and started wearing glasses. Contact lenses were quite expensive and not that common, so I wasn’t as good at swimming as I once was, In fact, I had lost confidence in the water completely. That might have been a bit of a problem.

I filled in a bunch of forms. They went away and did their thing. When they came back, they said ‘computer says geologist’. It was a punchcard computer, but I still took it on board.

I was quite keen on the idea. And it’s only in retrospect do I see now that it was actually a pretty good fit for me. It also meant that I could carry on studying geography, which I loved. Alas, it wasn’t to be.

Psychology forever?

I’ve already written the story about how I ended up ditching business economics and accounting at university for psychology. Over 30 years later, I’m still a practicing psychologist. But I almost didn’t make it. Right from the very start.

1. In my first term in my first year at University at Hull, there was a lecturer strike. They were marking exams, but they weren’t releasing the results. I had spent most of the first term doing lots of different things, enjoying my re-entry into university life after my aborted first attempt a year earlier. Unfortunately, one of these things was not studying all that much. When the exams had been marked, I got a summons from my personal tutor. He told me, very nicely, that if these results were released, I would be on the verge of getting canned from the degree programme. My results, “did not reflect my contributions in tutorials”. Read, “I’m very disappointed in you: pull your finger out”. It was a sobering moment. I knuckled down.

2. During my time doing my PhD, I was canny enough to run longitudinal studies that required a lot of work at the beginning, and at the end, but not a lot in between. I ran a couple of these to collect enough data for my PhD, as well as a few more side studies. This design meant that I was also able to live a second life, working as a DJ for the entire time I was a Ph.D. student - which I absolutely loved. But, there came a time when my worlds collided. I got a call into my supervisor’s office. I was in danger of missing deadline for my Ph.D. and he said I probably had to make a choice. He had heard I was quite a good DJ (I raised my eyebrows), but I couldn’t do both. It was true that I had just DJ’d with Paul Oakenfold, but I was flattered that he had taken the time to figure out if I had been wasting my time completely. In the end, I chose psychology. I kind of don’t regret it, but I also kind of do. My dream then was to somehow find my way into producing music. That’s right, a record producer - as it was known back in the vinyl days. I had no training, but I had the feel for it, and I knew people. And when I stopped DJ’ing, it felt like a huge loss for years. I think it took me a decade to get over it. Seems odd, but I think its true for me.

Sadly, that dream of being record producer is gone. There’s a convergence of time / place / skills / ability to stay awake that determines such things.

But might there be another dream?

A fork in the road again

My mind wandering during running has taken me back to the thought that after 30 years of psychology, my time is done.

So, I’m actioning this. I’ll tell you more later but for now, I’m interested in you.

• What were you interested in being when you grew up?

• And that that you are (or still aren’t) “grown up”, is there another dream that you want to pursue?